Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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