On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
