you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
