is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
