My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
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My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
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You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'