Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
