I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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