i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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