So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
