my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
So apparently I’m into choking now
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