The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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