Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
