I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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