I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
