I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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