I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
