The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
