you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
