At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
