you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
