I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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