my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
