Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
