Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
