I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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