he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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