I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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