Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
