Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I can't turn off my feet"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
