your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
