I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
