I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
