i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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