I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
