Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
