Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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