When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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