and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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