So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
