I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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