I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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