i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
