Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
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We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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