broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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