Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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