my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
