I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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