I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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