You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I think I have vodka in my lungs
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I would fuck him just for his dog
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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