You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
