accomplished twins. life is a go
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
