Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
